When sitting, sit

Last Monday I decided that it was enough for me. I have been way too busy in doing things that I had completely lost the feeling of 'being here'.

I have become quite an unhappy person, burying myself deeper and deeper to work, which is one of the sources of my unhappiness. It's not the work itself, but the detachment of mind from the present; sleepwalking throughout the days. As usual, yet rarely discovered, the problem is me.

I had a small, personal crisis in my life the other day quite recently. This crisis could have resulted in a big change in life, yet this time I avoided that change.

Crises are always good points for self development. Last time my life changed quite dramatically was in April, 2003, when a long-term relationship came to an end. Retrospectively - as usual, we are opportunists and optimists - this was one of the best things happening to my life.

Hand in hand with this crisis I changed my life quite thoroughly. I gave up eating meat, turning into semi-vegetarianism (I still are fish for two and half years, but I am giving up that as well). Overall I made quite much of changes in my behavior, philosophy and actions.

Since last summer I have been sliding more and more back to my old self. I became much less concerned of this world; started consuming more since I earned much more, bought a car and instead of using my feet, a bike or public transportation (which in capital area of Finland works extremely well), I started - again - to let myself be away of this moment in a dreamy state.

This small crisis, which solved out well, gave me again an opportunity to re-evaluate my life. I would be fool not to take the advantage of this introspective incident and let all the thoughts I had slip by, returning back to where I was.

Nay. Since last Tuesday I have been using public transports as much as possible. This helps me to achieve two goals at once.

One is me being less hypocrite. I have been preaching of green values; instead of thinking of how to produce the energy (nuclear, fossiles, solar, wind) for accelerating consumption I have been talking of saving energy.

I bought a car last summer to help me getting to work a lot faster. Our office was located in a bit difficult place, so I saved about 30 minutes if I drove there instead of using busses.

Our office moved to a better location and bigger space. This place is a lot easier to reach, so now the difference between busses and cars is about 20 minutes. Still I continued my new behavior and drove there every day. Alone.

I was going to suggest to a colleague of mine, who lived less than 500 meters away from where I live if I could pay him a bit and get a lift, but he moved far away so this was impossible. So I stuck with the habit.

Then there comes also this part of 'being here', which is one the main principles of Buddhism. Awakening to see the true world. Driving car and rushing to every place took me more and more away from being present in the moment.

Driving is often semi-active. I am drifting in my thoughts here and there while I have to concentrate on the traffic around and road ahead. I am not just thinking or driving, I am mixing them both and neither of them well.

When I am in a bus, I can meditate if I wish. I can wander in my thoughts or just be. I can fully concentrate on the moment and watch out my mind from drifting.

One more reason for me not to drive to work is that my stress level goes down this way. First of all, driving is still stressing while there is other traffic - and there always is. Second, when sitting in the bus, when waiting for the bus or when walking in between bus stops I am usually just relaxing and enjoying the moment.

I notice those beautiful icicles, I stop to enjoy the spring sun. I see the beauty of a single snow-flake, I enjoy the cold wind on my face. This is heavily connected to me being here, and me noticing all the beauty in even very unexpected places.

I am experimenting - if I still enjoy using the public network for two months, I will do my best to stick with it. I will continue giving myself a lot more time, keep up with my green values. I will start to silence my second mind and connect myself to my self.

Last Tuesday we were having a lunch. Me, Rambo and Netblade. I can't remember how the conversation went, but I asked Netblade that doesn't he believe I would achieve enlightenment in this life and he said no. His answer wasn't sounding that solid, since he probably was continuing the joke, but Rambo said 'seriously speaking, in this moment in your life it seems very unlikely'.

This had an impact on me, since it had been the day after I had decided to change my life. It gave me more energy to continue focusing on me developing myself into state that it actually would be possible.

This doesn't mean that I will detach myself of this world, shave my head and withdraw myself into a zen monastery, but to connect myself to this world and

After all, these beautiful snowflakes don't fall anywhere else.